Just trying to find the calm in the chaos!

A lifetime ago…

My last post is from so long ago I can’t believe it! I think instead of writing a huge blog post I will just bullet point out some hightlights:

1. Rey did not get the job I had predicted, instead he stayed home until around February, did some military schools and then got hired on at Davinci. Funny, we seem to travel together. I read somewhere about twin flames and how well they work with each other and how they gravitate toward one another… HMMMM….

2. We were able to go to Texas… Yeah…

3. Anthony was voted in as a student senator…so proud of him. He has such an amazing personality. I am curious to see what he blossoms into.

4. Dom is all over the place…

5. Bella is my bella, just a little whiny, a lot of fun, and full of creative imagination.

6. I’ve been working on my book, it’s written… well the skeleton is, I need to add and restructure a bit but all my fear (and maybe a little laziness) is holding me hostage.

7. I went to a natural healer… It was surreal (actually, I may write about that one). I felt better for awhile but have gotten back into a slump… I will see her again, I hope.

8. Mom is opening up the Lost Texan BBQ restaurant, I am keeping her books. We may drive each other bat shit crazy before it is all over.

Those are the major highlights from the last 8 months. I entered a writing contest but didn’t even make the top 25… it’s alright, it was my first one. I applied for a TEDx license and was denied… I am crafting a really good response in my head to them.

I watched some kiddos graduate that I never thought would, I mean I wanted them to and I believed in them, but they had to want it. It was really great. I’ve also reconnected with some friends, Rey is a little jealous, he misses his friends in Texas. I feel bad for him.

I still hate myself when I look in the mirror but I’m trying to change that… For instance, the previous statement was not healthy and should be replaced with “I am a perfect being just the way I am.” and “My body is amazing and can do amazing things, I only nourish it with love and healthy foods.” Yeah… OHKAYYYY

Anyway, until next time peeps!

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Reflections and predictions…

In June I applied for my job, a job I had previously loved and enjoyed. A job I was most excellent at.  As the date for the interview approached I found myself questioning where I was and what I was doing.  The morning of the interview I had little to no sleep, I was interviewing against my colleagues and friends, i was absolutely sick.  Needless to say I bombed my interview. I was hired anyway, as most of the people on the panel knew me and knew how I worked.  I still couldn’t shake this bad feeling though.

A week later I was brought in for a “meeting”. During this encounter three people sat around me and told me I had to learn to keep my emotions to myself and put work first.  I had just spent three years going through a Masters program to be highly qualified and put my work first. I spent more time at work than I did with my newborn child.  I had been through a “hiccup” in my marriage the previous year and a major miscarriage and surgery just a month prior to my interview. Life had just happened, and though my marriage was strong again and I was recovering from my surgery, I felt attacked. It was awful. I was in tears. I didn’t understand how this woman who barely knew me could lecture me on my professionalism. Where was the professionalism in that?  I ended up clearing out my classroom completely.  I mean completely… I took everything that was mine.  I didn’t quit, though looking back I should have just had faith and resigned my job immediately. I knew I couldn’t work with this person and I knew if I was forced to, I would be so unhappy it was just drain what was left of my sanity. 

Fast forward to the end of July. The charter school my children attend called me and offered me a position.  A new position where I would be creating the job and it was in my field of Special Education.  It was a cut in pay but there was no question, I took the position and immediately resigned at the other place. 

My husband Rey who had been working for the district as a Social Worker was waiting for his job to come back. He had been assured that the position, if it were to come available through grants, was his. He worked on creating the model in which the district would use and gave 100% to his job. He is a hard worker and well liked and respected in the district. Instead of receiving a phone call he had to look for his job. He applied and then was scheduled for an interview. Anxiety racked us both. We both were cranky and nervous leading up to his interview. The day of my anxiety level was at an all time high. The same group who had hired me were on his interview committee as well as two of his previous years colleagues. 

He felt like he had interviewed well but he said he had a feeling they had already decided who they were going to hire before he even walked into the room. His previous colleagues wouldn’t look him in the face. The next day he called and they informed him that he did not get the position. He was hurt, he had invested a lot of time in this job and loves the students in this district. At first, I was feeling like I was to blame, like they didn’t hire him because of me.  They said that the reason was he didn’t have his MSW (masters in social work) and they needed someone to administer tests (I’ll just add some snarkiness here… he can administer those tests under a LCSW, which he worked with so I call BS. I do think his colleague was overwhelmed with all the work and just wanted to not have that on her plate… which is ok and understandable) but at the moment it felt underhanded and nasty.

As I reflect on all this I am so thankful I resigned my position. I love my husband and as much as people say we have to be professional and separate work and personal relationships there is no way I could have worked with that woman after she didn’t hire my husband back. Especially after I had seen the stress and time he invested into the program. That nasty feeling led me to make a decision that at the moment I was unsure about but now am so grateful for. We can’t always see the big picture and how it is all going to fit but when we reflect we can see how things just fall into place.

Now, a prediction… I have been saying “onward and upward.” I said it when I resigned and I said it when Rey told me he yesterday that he didn’t get the job. Then I posted it in a Happier moment “Hubs didn’t get the job. Their loss… onward and upward.”

As we were perusing for jobs last night we came across a position for an Upward Bound Director, now he doesn’t have the Masters degree but his military experience is vast as is his knowledge of community partnerships and helping low income students. It has to be a sign… onward and upward! He is going to get this job and not only will it help our income but it will also be a job he will excel at and provide him the opportunity to receive his Master’s degree. This is my prediction, he will get this job! I can see it! I can see him shaking the hand of the hiring manager and I can picture him in that office at the college.  I can visualize this and so many things happened, that this is the route. I can see it! I have faith in God and all that he does for us. While at the moment it feels bad, it is really a blessing. God is good and that is all I have to say about looking back and seeing the future!

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Weighing in on 50 shades….

The line between pleasure and pain is miniscule and vague at best. There has been a lot of hullabaloo over the new movie based off of the book 50 Shades of Grey. What I find quite hilarious about some of these articles is they assume that men are using them as a sex manual or that “normal” women have now become misogynists after reading the books.

First off, I would like to point out that I highly doubt women read this book and turned to their husbands and said “Hit me so hard you leave marks or we can’t have sex anymore.” Secondly I would like to point out that this is a book, a work of fiction, that is all. It is NOT a real news story, it is not children being sold into sex slavery (happening every day), or planes getting shot out of the sky or disappearing (also happening much more often), it is not rape, it is not women forced into prostitution and forced into abortions when they end up pregnant… I just want to put things into perspective here…

So lets talk about what 50 Shades is… It is a love story (twisted but still a love story) that happens over a period of like 3 months in all (if you read all three books). Another downfall of the ever judgmental bloggers out there is they say Anna finally decides this isn’t what she wants and leaves Christian… at the end of the FIRST book but (****SPOILER ALERT*****) if you read all three books they end up married with children. So while everyone is making a huge deal out of the kinky sex I just want to point out that no one is making that big of a deal about her being knocked up and married within a measly 3 months.

If you are against the violent sex, I understand. Violent sex acts against women are cruel and should be outlawed. Oh wait… Rape is against the law, if you can prove it. But I wander, back to 50 Shades. I would like to point out that Anna puts her foot down with what she will and will not tolerate, she draws a very clear line for Christian and in doing so, for herself. Through this story we come across a little talked about crime and that is sexual abuse of men. ***SPOILER ALERT**** Christian has been manipulated and abused by an older woman and I applaud E.L. James for taking a step and talking about this subject.

At the core of this story is also forgiveness. Anna has to dig deep and realize the things that Christian does to her are manifestations of his own abuse. She forgives him and helps him heal. She allows him to grow in her love and to find peace and comfort where he has never been able to before, in the bedroom. As much as people want to turn this into a sadistic sex abuse of women story, it just isn’t. All the women are consenting, they have safe words, and at one point he even becomes the submissive.

Now… on to the sex part. In some cases these bloggers are right. Sex is portrayed as violent albeit pleasurable. Movies and shows have been portraying violent sex for awhile now, it didn’t start with 50 Shades. Casual sex has become the norm, even on weeknight comedy shows (2 Broke Girls, New Girl) how can you condemn this show… what because you don’t like the way the sex is delivered?

Question – does your hubby never pat your behind? Never?? Just a little smack here or pat there. Again, the book is the EXTREME, but in real life these kinds of things happen all the time in a milder manner. Are your hands never pinned above your head as your husband kisses you (handcuffs in the book)? Do you not close your eyes when enjoying some of the pleasure you are getting from making love (blindfolds in the book)? This is why women’s engines got revved while reading. No, they don’t want this extreme misogynist sex but a man who takes control and gives a girl a good rousing… whats not to like?

Sex has become so taboo, either it is so extreme and out there or we can’t talk about it and it’s all hush hush. Look, people have sex, married couples have sex. Married couples should have sex… it is the symbolic two becoming one, procreation, God given pleasure for your body. The fact that we can’t talk about it and act like nobody but the sinners are doing it is wrong. Sex is a normal enjoyable part of every day life. Do I want young women reading 50 Shades and thinking this is what a loving relationship is? No… but I also don’t want them watching any of the Tuesday night lineup thinking that either. We have to educate our women to respect themselves and love themselves and we should be educating our men to respect women also. We cannot continually blame works of fiction for the downfall of society when it is up to us to raise our sons and daughters in the proper way… lest we forget that proper has a different meaning for everyone.

Some say erotica is porn. While there is some merit to that argument, it isn’t forcing women to have sex with men on camera and someone making money off of it. It is someones imagination laid out on paper. Of course, if a man had written it this blog may have taken a totally different approach… aren’t we funny that way? Loosen up, if it’s not for you don’t read it, don’t watch it. If it is, enjoy the show. I won’t be there personally… the love scene in Twilight made me uncomfortable but hey, if your ok with sitting in a dark movie theater with a lot of other people watching soft porn, more power to ya! One last things ladies… let your hubby give you a little spanking tonight (in the privacy of your bedroom), you might just like it 😉

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The sunny side of surgery

I wanted another baby, I wanted one so bad I was obsessing about getting pregnant.  Now, after my miscarriage, pain, and surgery, there is no more hope of having our own.  At first this news devastated me.  Possibly it is still devastating but I am choosing to look at the sunny side of this surgery.  No more anticipation during the month and then utter disappointment when I either start or pee on a stick with a negative result.  No more worrying about buying a larger car or home.  No more worrying about how we would put four through college (I mean three is gonna be stressful enough).  No more excuses…

The last one is all about me.  I always make excuses to eat crappy, not exercise, and so on… Now I can’t blame a pregnancy (though I have three children I can still use 😉 Ha!  No more excuses, now it’s just time to be fantabulous!

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The evolution of a caveman

My husband is amazing… I want to start with that.  He has his faults and some can be huge but for the most part he is a pretty amazing guy.  For as long as I can remember he has done all of our laundry (he hates my folding skillz or lack there of) and he changes dirty diapers and stuff. 

Over the last year though I have watched him literally grow up.  I have had some pretty crazy medical problems and was finishing a masters degree all while trying to work full time and raise a family of 4 (three kids and a husband). Life has been hectic and my “wifely” duties have definitely fallen short, mostly in the kitchen.

A funny thing happened though… my husband went from hardly ever cooking (and only when they were going to starve) to now cooking a couple times a week. He went from “can you make some tea” to “how do I make tea?” And after being told, he has been making the tea when he wants it, not complaining about me not doing it. 

Honestly it is like watching evolution take place before my very eyes. I used to think I had to do everything if anything was going to get done but now I am starting to look around and realize  I don’t have to do it all.  It’s absolutely freeing! And pretty cool 🙂

Again, my hubs has always been pretty cool but now he is RAD! And I am finding a lot more free time.

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And then this happened….

No secret I have been extremely depressed for, it looks like from my blog posts, about a year now. Before the crazy mass on my ovary surgery, before the miscarriage, before the new job, even before the pressures of finishing a masters degree.

Probably any combination of two of those things would be enough to bring any right minded person to their knees but whoever said I was in my right mind?

Anyway, I enter class this morning, the students are working on gratitude cards and we have a few minutes left in class.  One of my students has been asking if she can show me a video so I tell her today is her day.  She pulls up YouTube and viola this video appears…

Ok, can I just tell you that half way through the video I am laughing so hard tears are squirting out of my eyes like a Houston thunderstorm, I’m grabbing my gut because… well incisions, and I even snorted.  I’m not sure what the kids found funnier, me or the video… Actually thinking back on it they were all looking at me like I was an alien who’d just landed and was asking for directions to Disneyland.

Look, life is hard, for everyone! Not every one has an easy path and everyone’s battle is different then the one you are on. Sometimes, in the midst of all the chaos, you just need to laugh so hard you nearly pop your incisions open and pee your pants!


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I am deeply depressed and have no idea how to escape the impending doom feeling I have weighing over me.  I have finished school with a masters degree (yay) but what now and what does it mean.  I still am hardly making it… the more money we have the less we seem to have and I cannot pull my shit together enough to make ends meet, let alone overlap.

My whole world came crashing down a year ago when my husband decided he wanted to leave me.  I had been living in this bubble of happiness. He ended up not leaving but I can’t seem to find where I placed that damn happiness bubble for the life of me.  I can’t get it back… I know, I know, this is where you tell me to find a new happiness but with a miscarriage and now a surgery that removes the possibility of future children, I’m struggling. And yes, I have three angels who are amazing, I wanted to add one more and why can’t I ever add when I want? Plenty of crack whores do it all the time.

I can’t seem to find happiness in anything right now, not my husband, my children, or myself. Not my degrees, not my (rental) home, not my meager checking account, or my surgeries, or pain pills, or even that glass of wine I just sucked down.  I’m 35, overweight, and miserable.  I am cruel to my kids and even meaner to my husband and I don’t know why.  It takes real effort to get out of bed and live every day.  I can’t imagine how in a year I went from blissfully happy to barely holding on.

Maybe the truth is I have never been happy… what is happiness anyway other than some elusive thing we chase sacrificing relationships, people, and money to track down and eventually hold hostage.  How do you really obtain something that is not concrete? Somedays happiness will fill your heart till you burst and other days it will elude you like Peter Pans shadow, hiding in very dark corners and crevices tempting you to come in after it.

Maybe if I lose 60+ pounds, maybe if I reconnect with my husband, maybe if I got paid more, maybe… blah, blah, blah, and on and on and on until happiness just becomes another unattainable feeling attached to people, money, and objects.  The truth about happiness is, it’s not about gaining all of these, or any for that matter, and possibly if you do gain them you feel happy for a little while but in the long run happiness is finding joy in everyday, being grateful, loving what you have and taking full advantage of the true beauty of those around you.

The husband, who despite all your flaws  (and his) is there in bed next to you. The children who make a mess in your less than perfect rental.  The job that drains the life from you but only because you are giving it everything you got, not for money but to make a difference in your little world, regardless if that world is crashing down or not.

My life is in turmoil and it seems to be crashing down all around me.  I keep taking blow after blow after blow. With every hit I take, I reevaluate, and ask myself, “But are you happy?” And while the darkness is ever there, creeping in at the edges, for the most part, I can say yes.

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In the heat of battle….

Life has been … well, it’s been life lately.  The ebb and flow has really pushed me over the edge.  I’m not making excuses, I am merely commenting that it hasn’t been all rainbows and sunchine, but then again when is it? Needless to say I have neglected crossfit and have been trashing my body with alchohol and poor food choices. 

This morning though, I woke up, I got out of bed, and I made it to the 5 am crossfit class.  I did it.  Small vistory for me.  I was told by a very wise woman that in the heat of battle you don’t change habits.  I really respect this person.  As I mulled over that thought and as I used it as an excuse I realized she may be misguided.  I think the heat of battle is precisely the right time to change habits, espceially if your losing the battle.

As I finish up my masters degree and work hard at trying to repair the broken pieces of me, I haver ealised that trashing myself is really counter productive.  It is harmful and I am self inflicting pain.  I may be in the heat of battle but if my strategies do not change and quick, I’m not only going to lose this battle but I may just give up the whole war.  Definately not the place I want to be.

So I am working on it… I am taking one day at a time.  I am learning to meditate, to prioritize, to treat myself with love and care.  Each day is a struggle… but damnit I’m gonna beat this thing called life and by God I am going to make the most of while doing it.  In the heat of battle the best thing you can do is switch stratgies, the enemy will never see it coming.

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Bring it on!

As I thought about all the bad stuff that had happened in 2013 my thoughts slowly drifted to all the good.  While Rey was in San Antonio, I was able to visit twice, the first time with the whole family and we baptized our sweet baby, the second time by myself and we had a fabulous time.  I was able to take the kiddos to San Diego twice as well, once with just us, the second time Rey came along.  I also visited San Francisco for the first time, sans any family at all. 

I completed all my Masters work other than my final project and received my teaching license.  On the same note I was hired back on as a GEAR UP site facilitator and work at two amazing schools. 

I started eating clean and doing crossfit.  While I fell off the wagon towards the end of the year, I found out what I had in me and what I can accomplish.  So while there was some hurt, a little pain, and some heartache the year was actually quite amazing. 

This upcoming year is rounding out to already be amazing.  We have a trip to Florida in February, I will be walking across the stage in April with a Masters degree, and we have the summer off to explore.  There are also some job opportunities coming up.  We even ended the New Year with amazing friends, family, and crossfit and today we started our year with clean eating (other than my vanilla mousse) and crossfit. 

Goodbye 2013, you taught me quite a bit, hello 2014, if I am half as blessed this year as I was last, this will be an amazing year.

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This past summer it felt like my whole world fell apart and I am here now, trying to pick up the pieces.  I am struggling.  Struggling with my weight and my eating, struggling with my masters project, struggling with work, struggling with my kid, struggling with my marriage… and on and on and on.

I’m not sure how to get out of the downward spiral I seem to be drowning in.  I want so much for everything to be ok but I feel like a circus juggler who took on one to many bowling pins and is starting to lose control and drop them all.  It is so much that I can’t handle it all, let alone do any one thing very good.  I think if I could conquer one thing then the others wouldn’t seem so detrimental but it is getting to the conquering point.

I know that if I could get my eating and weight back under control then so many other things would work out.  I know if I could get my project proposal finished, then I could have room to think. I know if my marriage and kids were more stable then the other things wouldn’t seem so hard.


Maybe I am missing a key ingredient… faith.  I have questioned my faith so much in the past year, maybe I need to get back to God and just pray and have faith that all will be ok. Of course faith just feels like another bowling pin I will have to juggle and try not to drop right now.

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